Transformng Jealously

From a reader:

“When you are jealous of someone else, you don't have what they have, but you also don't have what you have.”

I have thought about this quote for some weeks now. I struggle with jealousy and I was wondering if you could illuminate on this idea of not having what you have...
I wish it was something I could internalize better.
Thank you and love the blog and the book!
N 

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Dear N, 
Thanks for writing, you're not the only one who struggles with this. Here are some more thoughts about jealousy and how to change your thoughts in a more useful and building direction. As always, take what ever parts of these thoughts that work for you and integrate at your own pace.  It doesn't have to happen all at once. That you have the will to grow means that you will grow in the ways you want to.

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When someone occupies their thoughts with the desire to have what someone else has, they are so focused on their lack (perceived or even real)  that they can not see, feel, or think about all that they really do have.  


Let’s look at it with an example of a life situation that could come up:
A teenager is watching the way another kid dresses in the latest, trendy, very expensive clothing. She is jealous that she doesn’t have those same outfits. Her whole world is about lack. It’s a dismal point of view.


If she were to notice what she does have, two things can happen. One is a sense of contentment and even gratitude. It could be that she lives in a wonderful home, has loving friends and family, and even has clothing that she likes, etc. The second thing is that she might allow herself to tap into her dreams or yearnings and become inspired.


If you feel jealous there is a chance to transform that feeling--intentionally change the thoughts--to thoughts of inspiration.  When you feel the feelings of jealousy rising up inside you, turn those feelings to admiration and let yourself be inspired to rise, accomplish, or create in your own life. 


Worth exploring: No one knows what anyone else is going through. The one with the fancy house may be in debt like crazy and about to loose his home to foreclosure. The guy with the college degree may be lonely. “Beautiful people” may be suffering from silent depression or an illness that is hidden from your view. No one can know the whole story behind what “appears” so wonderful. 

Everyone has been lovingly created and gifted. 

(((and)))

Everyone has challenges. 

Jealousy itself is a form of despair. It’s a darkness that is not even based in reality because no one knows what is really going on within the object of their jealousy.


Transforming jealousy into inspiration
If you see someone with something that you want, imagine that yours is coming soon, that seeing the thing you desire in someone else is a sign that yours is near. In other words, you do not desire the exact thing you’re seeing--the one that he has in his hands now, you desire the version that is available to you. This can be material things, meaning “stuff,” or qualities.


Maybe people are jealous of something that is not possible for them to have for what ever reason. This world is designed so that each one of us has gifts that we are born with and a potential that we can fulfill. The gifts you receive are going to be different. Each gift is precious and no one can know the true spiritual value of the gifts we are blessed with.


The remedy for jealousy is gratitude 
If you focus on your blessings this is an invitation to increased blessings. You can heal the feelings of jealousy by saying “thank you.” Thank you for another day of life, thank you for opening the door for me, thank you for letting me merge into your lane of traffic, thank you for being such a jerk so that I can grow, be forgiving, or set better boundaries. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for taking the time.


Thank you to N for inspiring this post, I hope it's helpful for you.


I always love to hear from readers!
Love,
Aunt Laya

With gratitude to Morguefile.com and duilio for the photograph!

When will this end?

Sometimes people want to know when the challenges will end. The answer, not always so great to hear, is that they don't. Oh, you'll get a break from this challenge (and you may even be able to make some changes that bring that break sooner if you make the right choices). And, you should know, life is all about the challenges. In fact, your challenges are uniquely designed just for you--to shape you and grow you! This is better than a GPS that tells you how to get from one place to another, only life is more mysterious about it. You are given challenges so you can grow.

Now you have a choice to make. You can sit and whine about your challenges. You can cry the blues if you want to. Or, you can look for what your life's purpose is and live it to the fullest even in spite of your challenges. You can face your challenges and rise. You can face your challenges and get stronger by solving the puzzle of what to do about things. You get to create the life you want to live.

You get to choose. That is your power, the power of choice. Choose your attitude. Choose your next steps. You can ask for help if you need or want to; you don't have to go it alone. (Divine help (prayer is a great thing, just start talking), help from friends, try a seminar, or even a book.)

Hang in there when things feel challenging. Like all of life, there is a pulse. Energy comes in waves so there are times for resting and times for working, times for grieving and times for celebrating. For sure you'll have more challenges in life as the months and years unfold before you. And for sure, if you pay attention, you'll see the many blessings too. You might just even see the blessings in the challenges if you pay close attention.

Love,

Aunt Laya

I took this photo. So, thanks to the people who designed digital. :-)

Tool for Life - Reframing

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success!"

I just saw this quote and of course it made me smile. But then I realized this is the perfect example for a life tool. This tool is a skill you can develop for keeping your mindset positive. It is called "Reframing". You can use this tool for the way you relate to your own life and also how you relate to others.

You get to decide how you want to frame your life and your perceptions. Kind of like when you take a photograph. You choose what to focus on. In life, you decide what to focus on! You decide who is in the picture and who is out. You decide what you want to photograph--you decide what to put energy into, and how you want to do that.

Then once you have taken your photo--or once something has already happened in your life--you decide how you want to view it in your mind. To open up your thoughts on this one, take a minute to understand how a frame on a picture really makes a difference:

If you have never taken anything to a frame shop, now would be a good time to head on out to one just to have a look at how the process works. or check out these websites to see what I mean:
Look here to see ideas of the way things can look in different frames and how many different kinds of frames and matts you can choose from.
Look here to see more framing ideas and notice the way the environment you place your picture in is also like a frame.

So how do you apply this in your life? Let's say you set the goal of hiking up a mountain. At the end of the day, you didn't make it to the top of the mountain. Now you get to choose the way you want to frame the day.
You could say to yourself: Wow, what a great day, I saw wonderful sites, climbed higher than I ever have before, and had a nice time.

OR

You could say to yourself: What a failure, I never even got to the top of the mountain.

What attitude will serve you the best? What attitude will help you enjoy the life you are living?

Here's another way you can use reframing: A child says "I hate you" to his parent. The parent can say to himself "Oh, I'm a failure as a parent!" OR "This kid is tired and needs a nap." OR "What can I do to help my child understand this situation?" In this situation you can use reframing to give another person the benefit of the doubt. You can do that if you're the kid too. Say your parents yell at you "for no reason". It could be that they are actually having a bad day! Poor, poor parents. They are doing the best they can.

And, you're allowed to give your own self the benefit of the doubt too! You are doing the best you can. When you make a mistake (or your parents or your kids or anyone) know that you (and they) are doing the best you can.

Bottom line: You can choose the thoughts and perspective that you want. I hope you'll choose well in ways that will help you grow and find peace.

You can do this!

Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to Morguefile.com and Procrastinator for the great image!

What I've been up to...

Click Here! to see what I've been learning how to do. Please let me know what you think, how I can improve, what you'd like me to talk about... feel free to email me through my website for confidentiality.

My book is hot off the press and will be at Amazon ready for delivery before too long. I'm very excited about it and will keep you posted.

Meantime, remember that you DO have the power to create the life YOU want to live.

More soon,
Love,
Aunt Laya

Compromise or Settle?

In life you have to make compromises. There's a difference between settling and compromising. One way to think of it is that you don't get everything you want, the way you want it, when you want it. I once took a class in finance. One of the principles I learned was that if you manage your money successfully (saving and spending habits--a skill worth learning), you can have anything you want, not everything, anything. That means you have to consider what is most important to you.

When you know what is most important to you, you can set a goal. You can achieve, have, develop, or create that thing, whether it's a relationship, a college degree, or that new fancy gadget or outfit. Once you get yourself on track with your goal, it means you compromise something else. You have to let go of some things in order to have what you really want. Like, if you really want to be happily married, you've got to let go of dating other people.

Settling is when you don't believe that you can have what you want so you take what you think is the best you can get.

Back to the example of relationship. Settling is taking a partner you don't enjoy because you think you won't find anyone else. Compromising means she doesn't like to watch basketball with you, but she is a pleasure to talk with. Settling means staying with an abusive man because you are afraid to let go, compromising means he's not as tall as you dreamed.

There are some things that you never have to compromise on. And there are some things you can settle for. Don't ever compromise your values. You can settle for a different brand of tomato sauce when you're shopping.

Just something to consider.

Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to Scott M. Liddle (scott.liddell.com) and Morguefile.com for the great photo, again!

What are you planting this spring?

I've been trying to plant flowers in my yard. Here's a little of what I'm learning:

• Sometimes a plant takes, sometimes it doesn't, keep planting anyway. {Sometimes you fall on your face. That's OK, everyone does, get up again!}

• Make sure you know the right season for planting what you want. If you miss a season, it will come around again. {Everything has its season including relationships, personal growth, work, and learning.}
  
• Make sure you give the plant the right amount of shade and sun--where you plant something matters. {Put yourself in the right environment! Be around good and healthy people, read and watch and listen to things that will nourish you.}
  
• Sometimes the dog will dig up what you plant. That's OK, be patient, the dog will out grow it or you can plant somewhere else. {Things don't always work out the way we plan them. That's OK, try again, wait until you mature, or try a different way.}
  

Quote for the day: "I will waste not even a precious second today in anger or hate or jealousy or selfishness. I know that the seeds I sow I will harvest, because every action, good or bad, is always followed by an equal reaction. I will plant only good seeds this day."
--Og Mandino1923-1996, Author and Speaker

What are seeds of good? Kindness, gratitude, charity, joy, rest...