Sexually Active--choices, (not just for teens)

This is a PostSecret postcard from Sunday, April 3, 2011

How many people wish they could go back in time and tell themselves something? Lots of people would do things differently if they could go back in time, while others have no regrets since their past choices got them to where they are today. 

Here's the piece that some people don't get (yet): You may not get to go back in time to change things, but just because the past is what it is, does not mean you are stuck in that past right now.  You have the power of choice to create the you of right now. 

You can change your mind. 

You can change your attitude.

You can change your clothes.

You can change your goals.

You may redefine what is important to you in any moment.

You are a living, breathing being and your opportunity to blossom into the best  you is fresh with each breath. Ready? Set? Be true to you! (Even if it means surprising people. Even if it means surprising yourself.) 

Change means stepping out of what is familiar. That's OK, you are not alone. You can change and change again. Experiment with saying "no" when you mean "no" and see what happens inside over time.

I practice what I preach and this week I deepened my commitment to pay attention to the way I speak (or hopefully don't speak: no gossip). 

There is true power in self restraint (that serves you in positive ways).

Pick some thing in your life that you wish you could change. Be true and honest because no one else is in on this. Then take the risk of doing something simple, especially if it's hard for you to think of doing. Take heart. You CAN do this. 

Love,

Aunt Laya

Freedom to Choose

This is an **amazing** video about a program called "Freedom to Choose" that was brought to a maximum security prison for women by the University of Santa Monica. The story speaks for itself. I hope you'll be as inspired as I am. 

Click here to watch 

or copy and past this link

http://vimeo.com/1361424

love,
Aunt Laya

More of the good in life

You've got to accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
And latch on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

You've got to spread joy up to the maximum
Bring gloom down to the minimum
Have faith or pandemonium's
Liable to walk upon the scene

To illustrate my last remark
Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark
What did they do just when everything looked so dark?

(Man, they said "We'd better accentuate the positive")
("Eliminate the negative")
("And latch on to the affirmative")
Don't mess with Mister In-Between (No!)
Don't mess with Mister In-Between

(Ya got to spread joy up to the maximum)
(Bring gloom down to the minimum)
(Have faith or pandemonium's)
(Liable to walk upon the scene)

You got to ac (yes, yes) -cent-tchu-ate the positive
Eliminate (yes, yes) the negative
And latch (yes, yes) on to the affirmative
Don't mess with Mister In-Between
No, don't mess with Mister In-Between

Love,

Aunt Laya

Heck Yeah!

Heck Yeah!!!

In this age of flash and dash, how do you make the decision about what to let in, what to do, what to choose, and what to let go? I just learned a great way to do the measuring inside yourself. When you come across something, anything in life, and inside of you (your guts, heart, mind, thoughts, intuition) says "Heck Yeah!" that's a good sign. Go for it. I'm not talking about the little voice that says "eat that extra piece of cake" I'm talking about the part of you that runs deep and the part of you that rises high. 

If you don't get a "Heck Yeah!" 

then that means it's a "Heck No!" 

When you do what's right for you, it means  you can do more of what you need and really, truly want to be doing. This is all measured from your values; we're not talking about ego.

We all sometimes operate from a place of fear. Sometimes you don't want to leave what is familiar or certain. It's scary. So be certain you're listening deeply inside yourself to make sure you're not rationalizing ("rational lies"). Go for what lights you up because then you'll be really singing the song and dancing the dance you're here in this world for.

There is no need to play small here folks. Go for the gold in life. Go for the "Heck Yeah!"

Experiment and explore this and see what happens.

Love,

Aunt Laya

How great is your mind?

“Great minds discuss ideas; 

Average minds discuss events; 

Small minds discuss people.” 

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Need some ideas to talk about? 

How about a list of questions to ask when you're with your friends and family?

• What inspires you to be your best?
• What do you do to get over disappointment?
• What makes you feel successful?
• If you could give the world a gift, what would it be?
• Have you learned tools to manage anger? What are they?
• Is there something you thought was impossible but then you accomplished it? What would you share with someone else who's struggling?
• What is the last book you read and what did you love about it? Was there an idea that you would challenge? 
• What is your favorite quote, and why?
• Name one or two of the kindest things people have done for you.
• What gives your life meaning?

 Expand your great mind!
(Please leave a comment below to add to the list.)

Love,

Aunt Laya 

How to Have More Joy in Life

Keep an open mind as you read this first sentence:

Joy is a choice! (keep reading...)

You can go to a movie that's sad and even though you were not sad when the movie started, you can find yourself crying--and you know the characters are not even real! You can listen to a comedian and laugh even though you weren't thinking about anything funny before that. Just like when the weather can be cold and you can put on warm boots and a warm coat, and feel cozy, or you can turn the heat on in your house and make the whole place warm--you can change the weather of your emotions.

I know this sounds very simple and that's ok, like I've said before, simple does not mean easy. You can choose the way you want to spend your emotional time, the same way you get to choose how you want to spend the days of your life. You get to choose the people you spend time around. You get to choose how seriously you take the comments from people around you. You get to choose to stay in a room where people are fighting or if you want to walk out of that room, or even if you want to engage in the conversation at all--or not!

We all just seem to forget we have free choice. We forget, or no one ever pointed it out, we even have the power in our lives to change our minds or step into something new altogether.

Questions to ask yourself: What kind of life do I want to build? What small step can I take today to feel good about myself and my life? How can I give this day meaning? How can I serve others today? What did I do right today? What can I think about that will put me in a truly happy state?

You can do this. Step by step.

Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to Morguefile.com and Grafixar for the great photo Grafixar

Disappointed?

This quote seen at the bottom of an email...

"Disappointments are inevitable

However misery is an option"

Choose well!

Love,
Aunt Laya

I'm SO angry!!!

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
-- Buddha

First thing is to understand that anger is ALWAYS about ego. That's hard to take in if you're in the heat of anger. If you can, try this on for size: what ever it is that is making you mad isn't really the issue, it's the way you react to any given situation that matters. You can argue this one, but I'm not sure anger will ever really help resolve any situation.

I used to study martial arts. I learned that if you're sparring and you get mad at your opponent, you can no longer spar with a clear mind. So one of my teachers taught me to think of sparring as a game of tag. If your opponent hits you, he taught you where you are open so you can become a better martial artist.

People who fly into a rage
always make a bad landing.
-- Will Rogers

In life, when something makes you angry, you have a chance to learn about yourself and grow.

OK, all that said, it's important to understand that feelings are feelings. If you get angry, it's a wake-up call, but don't just stuff the feelings and pretend they aren't there. You have a situation to deal with, not to ignore. The anger is a red flag that says "pay attention." That might mean creating better boundaries, it might mean getting out of a situation that's not healthy, it might mean a heart-to-heart talk with someone you care deeply about. It could mean any number of things. AND, if you act out in anger, you are very likely to regret it so it's important to stop and think before you act.

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help, and what he cannot help.
-- Thomas Fuller

Think about this:

• Underneath anger is hurt. If you weren't hurting, you wouldn't be angry.

• Underneath hurt is caring. If you didn't care, you wouldn't feel hurt about it.

• Underneath it all is the loving essence of who you are at your core, your spirit.

If you can tap into the deeper layers, you can get past the destruction of the anger faster.

For more ideas about how to take control of your life in a positive way you can read these earlier posts from this blog.

Blessing of the day: May you find the best thoughts and remedies to bring you the sweetest peace of mind.

Love,
Aunt Laya

Tweet!

For small pearls of wisdom, and sometimes quotes from others, follow me on Twitter!

Click here or cut and paste this to your browser: http://twitter.com/auntlaya to find me at Twitter.

Happy Spring!

Tweet!

Love,
Aunt Laya

How long should you try?

"How long do you give a baby to learn to walk
before you tell him to give it up?" ~Jim Rohn

I talk about baby steps all the time. Take things a little bit at a time. The thing is, it's not just about taking small steps, it's about taking the steps in the first place. What ever it is that you want to improve or build or learn or have in your life, you can create amazing results only if you work on your attitude and actions.

Fuel yourself with information. Keep growing! Keep going in the direction of your dreams.

Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to morguefile.com and puravida for the wonderful photo.

Tool for Life - Reframing

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success!"

I just saw this quote and of course it made me smile. But then I realized this is the perfect example for a life tool. This tool is a skill you can develop for keeping your mindset positive. It is called "Reframing". You can use this tool for the way you relate to your own life and also how you relate to others.

You get to decide how you want to frame your life and your perceptions. Kind of like when you take a photograph. You choose what to focus on. In life, you decide what to focus on! You decide who is in the picture and who is out. You decide what you want to photograph--you decide what to put energy into, and how you want to do that.

Then once you have taken your photo--or once something has already happened in your life--you decide how you want to view it in your mind. To open up your thoughts on this one, take a minute to understand how a frame on a picture really makes a difference:

If you have never taken anything to a frame shop, now would be a good time to head on out to one just to have a look at how the process works. or check out these websites to see what I mean:
Look here to see ideas of the way things can look in different frames and how many different kinds of frames and matts you can choose from.
Look here to see more framing ideas and notice the way the environment you place your picture in is also like a frame.

So how do you apply this in your life? Let's say you set the goal of hiking up a mountain. At the end of the day, you didn't make it to the top of the mountain. Now you get to choose the way you want to frame the day.
You could say to yourself: Wow, what a great day, I saw wonderful sites, climbed higher than I ever have before, and had a nice time.

OR

You could say to yourself: What a failure, I never even got to the top of the mountain.

What attitude will serve you the best? What attitude will help you enjoy the life you are living?

Here's another way you can use reframing: A child says "I hate you" to his parent. The parent can say to himself "Oh, I'm a failure as a parent!" OR "This kid is tired and needs a nap." OR "What can I do to help my child understand this situation?" In this situation you can use reframing to give another person the benefit of the doubt. You can do that if you're the kid too. Say your parents yell at you "for no reason". It could be that they are actually having a bad day! Poor, poor parents. They are doing the best they can.

And, you're allowed to give your own self the benefit of the doubt too! You are doing the best you can. When you make a mistake (or your parents or your kids or anyone) know that you (and they) are doing the best you can.

Bottom line: You can choose the thoughts and perspective that you want. I hope you'll choose well in ways that will help you grow and find peace.

You can do this!

Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to Morguefile.com and Procrastinator for the great image!

Pain is a Gift!

What?!? Pain is a gift? Yes! You wouldn't want to do life without it. Why?

What if people didn't feel the burn of a hot pan? We'd get so damaged we couldn't function. When we feel the burn of something hot, we let go... so we don't get hurt more!!! Get it?

When you feel pain, it's a signal for change.

Ask yourself:
What is this pain trying to tell or teach me?
What can I do to make a change that will heal?
Do I need to change my thoughts?
Do I need to change my environment?
Do I need to change my actions?
Do I need to change my perceptions?

Growing pains happen. Use them to make you stronger, kinder, wiser, healthier.

Use everything to your advantage!
Love,
Aunt Laya

Thanks again to Morguefile.com and also fattymattybrewing for the great photo

You Are What You Think!

What do you think about? "Down" thoughts will bring you "down." As T. Harv Eker says, "Crap moves at the speed of crap." So, if you want to feel good, think good things.

Imagine your success. Imagine the people you love and the people who love you.

Look around. If your environment is full of things that have bad memories, get rid of them.
Surround yourself with things that are uplifting to you.

Listen to music or motivational talks that make you feel energetic or enthusiastic. You can see lots of the top motivational speakers online for free on any of the channels where you view videos.

When I'm having a hard time falling asleep, I've trained myself to "think happy thoughts." I recommend it highly! What are happy thoughts for you? If your mind is cluttered with negative thoughts or busy thoughts of "things to do," write them down. Tear up the list of negative thoughts and toss them. Put the "things to do" list to the side and look at it when you're in business mode. Letting go is a great way for your mind to do its best work and you'll be surprised with the results. This sounds easier than it actually is. You may need to create a list of "happy thoughts" so that if you find your mind wandering to the negative side, you can remind yourself from the list.

The direction you look will be the direction you move toward. That law works whether you're driving, walking, or directing your life path.

What do you choose?

Love,
Aunt Laya

With gratitude to cohdra and morguefile.com for the amazing photo!

What do you REALLY want?

This is a most basic of questions. Ask yourself, "What do I want?"

There's a catchy phrase that says, "You've got to name it to claim it."

If you don't know where you're going, then you're wandering aimlessly. If you know where you want to go, then you can make a plan to get there. If you know what you want, then you can make a plan of action. A plan of action is as simple as putting one foot in front of the other. It can be as simple as noticing, "I'm hungry," as a start. Then you have to decide what you want to eat. A sandwich? What kind? What do I need to do to prepare it? Sound simple? It is a simple process but we are usually so busy with the small stuff that we haven't learned how to listen to the inner voice whispers your heart's desires. Do you remember the first time you cooked something "all by yourself?" It's a big accomplishment when a young kid cooks for the first time. If you're in new territory, go easy on yourself. Each step you take is a big accomplishment!

Now transfer that understanding to what's next in your life. Take one small goal that would mean a lot to you and break it down into small action steps. Don't try to do it all at once.

Q. How do you eat an elephant?
A. One bite at a time!

Small steps add up in big ways.

Goals don't have to be big, out-in-the-world things. Reading a book is one page at a time. Writing a book is also one page at a time. Filling in your photo album is one page at a time (or just gathering all you photos in to one place might be a start).

Sometimes it's hard to get to what you really want and talking things through with someone you trust is helpful. No one said you have to do this alone!

The idea here is: be honest with yourself about what you want. Dig deep. You're worth the effort. Then, take one step in that direction. Then, take another step.

You can do this! One small thing, right now... go!

Love,
Aunt Laya

The Power to Create Happy Relationships!!!

I learned something interesting. It's something I've heard before in different ways and I've heard it enough times now that I understand its importance and know it's something that needs to be passed on to others. This is the balance of 5:1:

For every one negative thing that happens in a relationship (criticism, harsh look, reprimand, etc.) it takes FIVE positive actions to balance it.

What that means to us in real life is that for every unpleasant thing we experience or do in our relationship, we need FIVE kind or loving acts to balance the scale.

Do you get what that means? This is very empowering for us all!!! Now that we know this (which has been studied through observations of many relationships) we can heal and direct our relationships for the good.

Being aware of this will improve any relationship. Parents, kids, employees, students, friends.

Experiment of the day:
Talk to the people you live with and set up this experiment: Put out two little dishes for each person. Fill one dish with pennies or marbles, doesn't matter, any small object will do. For each compliment or kind act move one object into the second dish. For every criticism remove five. The goal is to (as naturally as you can) fill up the second dish and keep it full.

Keep shining.
Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to southernfried at Morguefile.com for the perfect photo!

You don't have to do anything you don't want to!

Recently someone asked for advice about a mistake that resulted in an embarrassing situation. She was pressured by some friends to do something she really didn't want to do.

Life is full of choices. When you make a poor choice about something, then you get another chance right away to make a choice about how you want to handle what happened. I always recommend learning from our mistakes (and the mistakes of others!). So, here's my answer:

First, you do not HAVE to do what other kids say. Got that? It doesn't matter if you were playing truth or dare; you don't have to do it. If an adult is asking you to do something and you're not clear about it, you can say you need to think about it and ask other trusted adults. It's true that I write for teens, but I know there are adults reading this too and the same goes for you! If someone tries to coax you or tries to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, you get to say, "No." No, nope, not gonna, never, no way! What ever way works for you, don't cross a line that's not comfortable for you. Second, life has a way of "testing" us. You'll get to see if you learned this lesson on boundaries because you'll get tested again. It's just how life works. Practice. (Something like, "what part of 'no' don't you understand?" or "Is there a reason you’re not respecting my answer?") If someone doesn't take "no" for an answer, they are trying to manipulate you and you don't have to go there.

Second, when you do make a mistake, learn from it, but don't beat yourself up about it. That means, when the "test" comes around again, you can rise to it and respond in the way you really mean to. But do not waste your time feeling stupid. If a coach gives an athlete feedback on how to improve, the smart athelete takes the information, visualizes it over and over, and then does his best the next time. He keeps moving forward, not crying over the lost race or the bumbled what ever. Sure, it's natural to feel disappointment, but don't wallow in it. Move on and step up. Rise. One more time. Move yourself forward now because the lesson you learned means you have more life experience and you can make wiser choices. Even if you make the same mistake a hundred times, keep tweaking what you do until you get the results you want, whether it's in relationships, jobs or what ever. You learned to walk and tie your shoes; you can learn to say no when you need to.

Keep shining!

Love,
Aunt Laya

Photo by Mary R. Vogt from MorgueFile.com, thank you!

Boundaries

Are you holding boundaries that work for you? Are people overstepping their boundaries with you? Are you overstepping other people's boundaries?

It's okay to push past where you feel comfortable when you're growing, when you will get positive results for yourself or a greater good. But some things are really clear and I'm here to tell you that when you need to say NO, gather yourself up--even if you don't think you can--and say NO where it needs to be said.

Pay attention to that inner voice that lives inside of you. If you’re saying “no” on the inside, say “no” on the outside.

Say “yes” to yourself and what you know is right for you. If you're not sure if it's right to say "no" or not, ASK someone who is trustworthy.

You can do it!

Love,
Aunt Laya

Loneliness

"I know the night is not the same as the day:

that all things are different, that the things of the night cannot be explained in the day, because they do not then exist, and the night can be a dreadful time for lonely people once their loneliness has started."

--Ernest Hemingway ("A Farewell to Arms")

You are not alone.

There are people who have survived what you are trying to survive and they want to help you through it to the other side. It's okay to ask for help.

Want to know where to turn? You can post here anonymously and I'll help you find resources. Or you can check out the links right here for more. People want you to ask for help. And if you don’t get what you need from one person, ask someone else, keep looking.

It's a funny thing how this world works sometimes. You can be feeling all lonely, and then someone who you don't even know is putting out love, like invisible arms reaching out to hold you. And that love is very real. Your heart can grab onto the love and find a safe place inside to heal.

Do not despair. You found this love note, you can find more. There are links on the right side of this page you can use right now. This, too, shall pass!

"The stars shine the brightest when the night sky is darkest."

You are not alone.

Love,
Aunt Laya

Jinx, private jinx!

What rules do you play by? Depends on the game, right? You know, if you want to play a game with other people, you all have to agree on the same rules to make the game work. Thing is, if someone is "playing games" in a way that is not so nice, guess what? You don't have to play!

My kids sometimes try to jinx me. Just in case you don't know, that's when two people say the same thing at the same time. One person says "jinx" and the other person can not speak until his name is said. At my house we just learned that there can also be a private jinx. That's when only the person who jinxed you can say your name to break the jinx. Guess what? I don't play! So the jinx doesn't work on me.

Next time someone is playing with you in a way that you don't like, walk away. You don't have to play.

When you do play, may you be blessed with times of laughter and sweet times with people you love and enjoy.

Love,
Aunt Laya