Now what do I do?

You do not have to reinvent the wheel. There are people who can help you grow in the directions you want to grow. There are life coaches, basketball coaches, editors, business mentors, advisers, and what ever else you can think of. This is not just about career advancement.

You have something you bring to this life and it is something unique that only you can bring. It may not make a big splash, but it will--for sure!--send ripples out that change the world in real ways.

If you need support to sing the song you are here to sing, ask! And don't wait to sing your song, be it parenthood, gardening, nursing, performing, cleaning, teaching, friendship, building, doctoring, learning, even blogging! My life has been touched by children, bus drivers, taxi drivers, airport security, the smile of someone on the street, the receptionist at the dentist's office, and so many more.

Give a hand. Take a hand.

Love,
Aunt Laya

When will this end?

Sometimes people want to know when the challenges will end. The answer, not always so great to hear, is that they don't. Oh, you'll get a break from this challenge (and you may even be able to make some changes that bring that break sooner if you make the right choices). And, you should know, life is all about the challenges. In fact, your challenges are uniquely designed just for you--to shape you and grow you! This is better than a GPS that tells you how to get from one place to another, only life is more mysterious about it. You are given challenges so you can grow.

Now you have a choice to make. You can sit and whine about your challenges. You can cry the blues if you want to. Or, you can look for what your life's purpose is and live it to the fullest even in spite of your challenges. You can face your challenges and rise. You can face your challenges and get stronger by solving the puzzle of what to do about things. You get to create the life you want to live.

You get to choose. That is your power, the power of choice. Choose your attitude. Choose your next steps. You can ask for help if you need or want to; you don't have to go it alone. (Divine help (prayer is a great thing, just start talking), help from friends, try a seminar, or even a book.)

Hang in there when things feel challenging. Like all of life, there is a pulse. Energy comes in waves so there are times for resting and times for working, times for grieving and times for celebrating. For sure you'll have more challenges in life as the months and years unfold before you. And for sure, if you pay attention, you'll see the many blessings too. You might just even see the blessings in the challenges if you pay close attention.

Love,

Aunt Laya

I took this photo. So, thanks to the people who designed digital. :-)

Tweet!

For small pearls of wisdom, and sometimes quotes from others, follow me on Twitter!

Click here or cut and paste this to your browser: http://twitter.com/auntlaya to find me at Twitter.

Happy Spring!

Tweet!

Love,
Aunt Laya

How long should you try?

"How long do you give a baby to learn to walk
before you tell him to give it up?" ~Jim Rohn

I talk about baby steps all the time. Take things a little bit at a time. The thing is, it's not just about taking small steps, it's about taking the steps in the first place. What ever it is that you want to improve or build or learn or have in your life, you can create amazing results only if you work on your attitude and actions.

Fuel yourself with information. Keep growing! Keep going in the direction of your dreams.

Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to morguefile.com and puravida for the wonderful photo.

Tool for Life - Reframing

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success!"

I just saw this quote and of course it made me smile. But then I realized this is the perfect example for a life tool. This tool is a skill you can develop for keeping your mindset positive. It is called "Reframing". You can use this tool for the way you relate to your own life and also how you relate to others.

You get to decide how you want to frame your life and your perceptions. Kind of like when you take a photograph. You choose what to focus on. In life, you decide what to focus on! You decide who is in the picture and who is out. You decide what you want to photograph--you decide what to put energy into, and how you want to do that.

Then once you have taken your photo--or once something has already happened in your life--you decide how you want to view it in your mind. To open up your thoughts on this one, take a minute to understand how a frame on a picture really makes a difference:

If you have never taken anything to a frame shop, now would be a good time to head on out to one just to have a look at how the process works. or check out these websites to see what I mean:
Look here to see ideas of the way things can look in different frames.
Look here to get an idea of how many different kinds of frames and matts you can choose from.
Look here to see more framing ideas and notice the way the environment you place your picture in is also like a frame.

So how do you apply this in your life? Let's say you set the goal of hiking up a mountain. At the end of the day, you didn't make it to the top of the mountain. Now you get to choose the way you want to frame the day.
You could say to yourself: Wow, what a great day, I saw wonderful sites, climbed higher than I ever have before, and had a nice time.

OR

You could say to yourself: What a failure, I never even got to the top of the mountain.

What attitude will serve you the best? What attitude will help you enjoy the life you are living?

Here's another way you can use reframing: A child says "I hate you" to his parent. The parent can say to himself "Oh, I'm a failure as a parent!" OR "This kid is tired and needs a nap." OR "What can I do to help my child understand this situation?" In this situation you can use reframing to give another person the benefit of the doubt. You can do that if you're the kid too. Say your parents yell at you "for no reason". It could be that they are actually having a bad day! Poor, poor parents. They are doing the best they can.

And, you're allowed to give your own self the benefit of the doubt too! You are doing the best you can. When you make a mistake (or your parents or your kids or anyone) know that you (and they) are doing the best you can.

Bottom line: You can choose the thoughts and perspective that you want. I hope you'll choose well in ways that will help you grow and find peace.

You can do this!

Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to Morguefile.com and Procrastinator for the great image!

How to say "I'm sorry"

There are a lot of things you might need to say "sorry" about. When you bump into someone or knock something off the table by accident, "sorry" comes a bit easier.

But what if you did something that hurt someone else? What if what you did hurt them physically, emotionally or mentally?

It takes courage to apologize!

It takes a lot of courage to say you are sorry about something. Courage is feeling the fear and doing what is right any way. Even when it feels scary, you can do the right thing.

If you just say "sorry" with out meaning it, it is meaningless. You must mean it.

When you have hurt someone and you are sorry, you have to be clear that you will do your best not repeat what you did. We all make mistakes and for sure we're all going to say stupid things that will hurt others even when we didn't mean to. We have to do the best we can and go from there.

What if what you did or said was not so simple?

If what you did was severe and you need help to stop behavior that hurts other people -- and hurting yourself hurts other people--ask for help. Ask for help until you get the help you need. What ever shame you might feel when you do something hurtful can be healed. First you need to bring light to the dark places. Dark places are shame, pain, hurt--your own and others. Sweeping the pain under the rug doesn't heal it or make it go away. Time will help heal, but not until you clean the wounds. The first step is to feel and say you are sorry. You can say "I'm sorry and I want to ask for your forgiveness." You can say it, you can write it in a note. Just mean it.

Do not expect forgiveness. Lots of things are forgivable. Some things are not so easily forgiven. Sometimes saying sorry fixes things in a relationship. Sometimes the relationship ends for what ever reason. It's still good to say sorry even if you will never see the person again.

Being sorry when you've done something to hurt someone else is a good thing. It signals when we are on track or off course with who we need and want to be in the world. It's a first step at least.

In some situations, sorry isn't enough. Sometimes there are other actions a person needs to take to fix what was damaged. Sorry is a great place to start.

When you do something to help yourself or someone else heal the hurt places, you are bringing light into the world in a real way. That's a big deal.

You can do this.

Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to ariadna and Morguefile.com for the great photo.

HopeLine from the Heart--Suicide preention

If you are a regular at my blog, you know I am a Postsecret fan. Frank Warren, the man who is behind the project is a big supporter of Hope Line Suicide prevention program. The notes and links below are from the Postsecret MySpace page.

Love,
Aunt Laya

*****

You may know of Reese's important work with HopeLine, but behind the scenes Reese has helped me many times with PostSecret and some of the community members who contact me directly.

Occationaly I get desperate emails from people that I am not equipt to respond to. In the past, I have forwarded these to Reese who is much better qualified to offer help. For the first time, here is one of those caring examples:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Rebecca
Sent: Tuesday, July 01, 2008 3:49 AM
To: frank warren
Subject: To Frank, 1-800-suicide,

Hi,

My name is Rebecca and I'm 16 years old. I live in Las Vegas, Nevada with both of my parents and my older sister.

When I was growing up I never felt genuinely happy, I was often teased at school by class mates and physically abused at home. My dad was/is a drunk and my mom worked/s full time. When I was 10 I tried to commit suicide, a friend of mine had intervened and my parents stood idle, blind to the fact that I was extremely unhappy.

Lately I have had the urge to hurt myself, and I have given in. I don't know whats compelling me to do it, it doesn't make me feel better; it just takes my mind off of suicide. I have wanted to call the HopeLine for some time now, but I can't find the courage to do it... A month or two back I had confessed to a friend that I wanted to commit suicide and how my dad abused me when I was younger. He told me everything would be alright and if I need anything call him. He referred me to the hotline hoping it might save my life; and right now I need saving.

I'm too scared to call 1(800)SUICIDE; I'm too scared that calling and talking about it isn't going to be enough to help me. I'm scared that if I call nobody will pick up.

I hope to one day have the courage to call and move forward with my life.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Reese Butler
To: Rebecca
Subject: To Frank, 1-800-suicide,

Dear Rebecca,

I promise you if you call us we will pick up. Please call 877-YOUTHLINE 968-8454 to reach a teen peer counselor. If you call between noon and 9PM at night you will reach a teen. It should ring to Phoenix Teen Lifeline. You can look them up online to see what they are all about. They are very cool and can help you understand what you are dealing with in a hopefully more productive way. Mainly just be there as a shoulder to lean on.

If you wish to chat online you can do so at at www.kidscrisis.com

Or any of these web sites:

http://www.realmentalhealth.com/chat/default.asp

http://www.counselingnet.com

http://www.kidshelp.com.au/template/standard.aspx?s=126&p=129&r=104&b=2

http://newhopeonline.org/counseling/liveperson.html

I also suggest reading the book Suicide the Forever Decision. It is
great read, (not boring) and very relevant.

You can download it for free at www.qprinstitute.com

If you are looking for email support you can find support at jo@samaritans.org

Let me know if these links are of no help. I have many more.

Lastly I do care that you live, and find happiness. Please do not do
anything to harm yourself. There are many who care. Please call us.

Best always,

Reese Butler

President and Founder
Kristin Brooks Hope Center
National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE 784-2433
202-536-3200
202-536-3206 fax
615 7th Street NE
Washington, D.C. 20002
www.hopeline.com
reese@hopeline.com


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Reese Butler
To: Rebecca
Subject: To Frank, 1-800-suicide,

Dear Rebecca,

I hope you are well or better. I never heard back from you so I do not know if you used the resources I sent and what the outcome was. I come across your picture and letter every once in a while and think of you. I wish there was more I could do but want you to know there are people who care unconditionally and will help if you will reach out.

Please drop me a note and let me know what is going on.

Best always,

Reese Butler
President and Founder
Kristin Brooks Hope Center
National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE 784-2433
202-536-3200
202-536-3206 fax
1250 24th Street NW
Suite 300
Washington, D.C. 20037
www.hopeline.com
reese@hopeline.com


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Rebecca
To: Reese Butler
Subject: To Frank, 1-800-suicide,

Reese-

I'm sorry I never got back to you. I've been keeping busy, trying not to have too much free time to let my mind wonder. It's great to know someone thinks about me now and then. I'm doing better, I've found a friend I can talk to when I'm feeling under the weather and I do the same for him. I still haven't called the hotline, I can't seem to find the guts to. I did however read that book you were talking about. It really made me think about my life and how fortunate I am. I realized I do have a future and I'm in control of that. Still on the long road to recovery, I'm confident I can make it through this.

Thank you so much for being there and recognizing me. I really appreciate everything you've done for me.

-Rebecca


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Reese Butler ..
To: Rebecca
Subject: To Frank, 1-800-suicide,

No worries. I am just glad things are better for you and you have a support system.

The teen peer line is a great resource when your friends are not around. As they are teens too and deal with the same issues you do they can relate better than doctors or parents sometimes . 877-YOUTHLINE (968-8454)

I am glad also you read the book. Now you should be able to take the course and the test that goes along with it and become a certified gatekeeper and be in a position to help others. Interested?

Best always,


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Rebecca
To: Reese Butler
Subject: To Frank, 1-800-suicide,

I am very interested in helping others. I would love the opportunity to share my story and reach out to people in need. I would love to help in any way possible.

-Rebecca


--------------------------------------------------

How do you heal a broken heart?

When your heart is broken,

how can you heal?
How do you heal a broken heart?

I

Know that you can heal a broken heart. Others have healed a broken heart and you can too. It may not be easy, it may not be fast, but healing can happen. This you need to know.

II

Next, you have to be willing to heal. You don't have to know how, you just have to go inside to the deepest depths and say to yourself, "I am willing to heal." Through the pain and sadness, through the grief and shattered feelings, you simply have to acknowledge that you are willing to heal.

III

Understand that healing is a process. It does not happen all at once. There is no guarantee about how long this process will take, it's different for everyone. There are days that are harder and days that are easier. Sometimes you think you're doing fine and suddenly sad feelings sneak up on you again. That's part of the process. Hang in there! The good days will come again and they'll come more and more often.

IV

Time does heal. It may not seem like it when you're in pain, but know that time really does bring healing. Again, there is no guarantee about how long the process will take, but time is one of the elements of healing a broken heart. It's kind of like healing in the body, a cut will also heal with time. You don't put a bandage on a cut and expect to wake up the next morning and the cut is gone. So be patient with yourself, your emotions, and your heart.

V

Be honest with yourself about why you were wounded, why your heart was broken. This is the mental part of the process. Be truthful about this part even though it may not be fun. You don't have to say this out loud to any one. Were you expecting something the other person wasn't able to give you? Lots of broken hearts are when people have expectations of a relationship that the other person can not or doesn't even want to fulfill. If you can really evaluate what went wrong, you can learn about yourself so you can set up a healthier relationship next time. Learn something about yourself from each experience.

VI

Acknowledge the gifts you take from the relationship. I don't mean goodies, I mean the gifts of life experience. Did you see that you have the capacity to love? Did you learn something about boundaries? Did you learn about communication? Did you learn something about how to be with other people? There is something you have to be grateful about, name that.

VII

Be tender with yourself. What does that mean? Be kind to you. Make sure that you think thoughts that are kind (saying you are a jerk or a loser is NOT being kind to you or anyone else and do not belong in your thoughts or vocabulary). Open your heart to yourself the same way you would open your heart to a friend in pain. I find that a lot of people have never learned how to be gentle with themselves. This is a skill worth developing! You'll be a nicer person to other people when you learn how to be good to yourself. This is about balancing your thoughts and emotions.

VIII

Do not rush into another relationship. When you go into a relationship from a place of wholeness you will be wiser in your choice of who to date. If you do not heal, you are likely to make the same mistake over and over again until you learn the lesson. Take the time for yourself so you can have and be the best for yourself. This is a great time to get into something so you can express yourself creatively. Maybe writing, music, art, knitting, sports, what ever feels creative and fulfilling to you.

IX

You do not have to do this alone. You can talk with a friend or a counselor. Ask for help when you need help. No one is expected to do life alone. If you don't feel like you have someone to talk things through with, don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself, ask around. Take care of yourself enough to ask for help when you need help. There are some wonderful people with open hearts who would be honored to be your friend or counselor.

X

Time, tenderness, talking it through. Once your heart is broken, you will never be the same. That's okay! All of life builds us and shapes us. Take each experience to deepen the truth of who you are: You are a wonderful, loving person who lights up this world. Take a rest as you heal. Keep shining.

Love,
Aunt Laya

with gratitude to Morguefile.com and bekahboo42 for the beautiful photo

Need some hope?

Remember...
It is in the darkest of night that the stars shine brightest.

Love,
Aunt Laya

With gratitude to Morguefile and kahanaboy for the beautiful photo!

Advice for a Tree

This question came in as a comment for an earlier post:

Dear Aunt Laya,
I need some advice, because I can't seem to find anyone who can tell me how to solve my problem. I can't get myself to go to class everyday! I skip and come up with all sorts of excuses, though the real reason is that I feel like a loser in class. My class consists of students with sky-high GPAs, and I am the only odd one there. Although I work harder than them in terms of written work, I cannot think like them and generate questions like how they do. In my school, we are graded on our participation and knowledge and not how much work we produce. I always get out-beaten and never feels good. My grades are failing, I only have one year before I graduate and I can't help feeling hopeless and useless all the time. I never hated school this much. I would really appreciate some advice.

Dying Tree.

********

Dear Tree,
Sometimes trees appear to be dying but they are not. It is fall and time for the leaves to die and fall off, but the tree isn't really dying, its just in a cycle of renewal. The tree stands strong and beautiful in the winter as the next phase is preparing itself. There is a beauty in this cycle of life too but you have to look for it to see it. Then in the spring new buds will form and suddenly seem to burst forth in an explosion of growth.

DO NOT DESPAIR! I learned that despair is when someone is full of self pity and then there is no room for joy to come in. Now may be a good time for you to redefine what success is to you. It's not the same for everyone, you know? If you have only one year left to graduate, keep showing up and get through this. It doesn't have to be on the same terms as everyone else. Just because the instructor is not judging you in a framework that is fair to you, you don't have to measure your success in the same way. Don't let discouragement get the better of you. Hang in there, "this too shall pass".

Have you defined your dreams? Do you know what is important to you? School is a tool and a stepping stone. Finish what you started and then use the open doors to head toward your heart's desire. That means you are true to you (not some teacher's version of what you "should" be, what your Creator intended for you to be in all your shining true self).

You really can do this!

Love and (((hugs))),
Aunt Laya

Thank you to Robb and Morguefile.com for the beautiful photo!

Thank You

Did you get a card in the mail with a love note or a check? Who carried it to you? Who drove it and got it ready for the person who delivered it? Who made the card? Who brought the card to the store so it could be purchased and sent to you? Who designed the card? Who made the pen used to address the card?

Get what I mean? Behind every thing you enjoy, big or small, many, many hands were involved in making that thing happen.

Take a minute to think about this. Like my posts? Who at blogger set up this free service and made it simple enough for even me to post? :-) Who programed these computers? Who designed the computer and who made the parts to put it together? Who made the car that the person who sold the computer used to get to work? Who is feeding all these people, growing vegetables and fruit and grains? (not to mention the food that you eat!)

We are none of us alone in this world, we are all taking care of each other in small and big ways. Don't forget to take a minute to thank the bus driver that gets you safely where you're going. Don't forget to thank the guy you see picking up trash for keeping the neighborhood clean.

Say thank you with a smile, with a wink, with a handshake or a hug. Say thank you with a flower or a note. But do say it, it's a great lift to be thankful (even after Thanksgiving!)

Then turn it in on yourself. Notice what you like about you and be grateful for all you are and all you can do. Be grateful for the hidden potential that you have yet to discover about yourself.

I'm grateful for you, for reading these notes, for the emails you send, and for inspiring me to keep on doing what I do, writing and talking.

Love,
Aunt Laya

Pain is a Gift!

What?!? Pain is a gift? Yes! You wouldn't want to do life without it. Why?

What if people didn't feel the burn of a hot pan? We'd get so damaged we couldn't function. When we feel the burn of something hot, we let go... so we don't get hurt more!!! Get it?

When you feel pain, it's a signal for change.

Ask yourself:
What is this pain trying to tell or teach me?
What can I do to make a change that will heal?
Do I need to change my thoughts?
Do I need to change my environment?
Do I need to change my actions?
Do I need to change my perceptions?

Growing pains happen. Use them to make you stronger, kinder, wiser, healthier.

Use everything to your advantage!
Love,
Aunt Laya

Thanks again to Morguefile.com and also fattymattybrewing for the great photo

Celebrate!

OK, there is a lot about the hard times that is being talked about. Hard times with money, work, terrorism, and they are all real issues that need to be addressed. But that doesn't mean that we can't have good times too. So how do you create a good time? Declare it. Call some friends or sit with family and make a party to celebrate life, to celebrate friendship, to celebrate what you DO have. You can even make a little celebration all by yourself. If you are feeling alone, then there is someone else who is alone and just waiting for your call and invitation. (Be brave and make the call! Or make three calls until you have the company you want.)

You can give your celebration a theme: birthday, un-birthday, Christmas, Hanuka, Kwanzaa, Solstice, or summer in December and make a picnic on the floor in your living room. Get a few props: candles, music, yummy treats, or art supplies. Get creative.

Shake yourself up. Inspire yourself. Give yourself a lift and maybe life someone else's spirits along the way. Last week I went to the mall and had some fun giving out chocolates to some nice people who helped me. Look for things to celebrate and you'll find them.

I celebrate you!
Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to Morguefile.com and Clarita for the great photo

Try Again

Challenges

"Good timber does not grow with ease.
The stronger the wind, the stronger the trees."

I don't know who first said this but it teaches us in another way that the hard times in life make us stronger. Challenges shape us to be better.

Stay strong!

Love,
Aunt Laya

Thanks to Allen Conant and morguefile.com for the great photo!

Suicide and Depression

Lots and lots of people care about you. Friends seen and unseen.
Never despair! Hang on to hope. Call the Hopeline if you need to.
Love, Aunt Laya

Thanks for the great video PostSecret!

Help for Teens to Graduate High School

If you need a boost in getting through school...
If you can give a boost in helping someone else get through school...

http://www.boostup.org/

is a place to go online to get or give a boost up!

It's a really great idea, so go support someone or ask for support right now.

It's easy and simple: Just click here if you haven't already.

Cheers!
Aunt Laya

Overcoming Fear and Regret

If I could give my previous post about fear a soundtrack, this would be it.

Consider this post a kind of "love note" from me to you.
May you walk in strength and sweetness and joy.
Keep growing!
Love,
Aunt Laya