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Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Humor

Are you smiling enough? 

One of my favorite quotes is "You see what you look for." 
So, what is it that you would like more of in your life??

Here are a few jokes I found and wanted to share. Please post a (clean) joke you like (even if you think it's an old one we've all heard before!!) in the comments section below.

Super Granny
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! 

Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!" 

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.
(True story!) 
(found at http://www.cleanjoke.com/humor/Super-Granny.html)

Area 51

You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

     Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
     The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
     By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
     The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" 
(found at http://www.jokesclean.com/Flying/)

Cheap Therapy

Joan went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," she said, "I've got big troubles. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Am I going crazy?"
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?" 
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Joan. six months later the doctor met Joan on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred bucks a visit? No way! Instead, I went on one of those 'Dude Ranch' vacations, and an old cowboy cured me for the price of a bottle of whiskey." 

"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!
Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

(found at http://www.danggoodjokes.com/cheap-therapy/)


Keep smiling. I hope you'll share a joke in the comments below...

Love,
Aunt Laya

Thank you to morguefile.com, pietervleu and gracey for the happy photos!

9 comments:

Lauren McLaughlin said...

The Lion King woke up one morning feeling absolutely full of himself.
He strutted off into the forest, stopping everyone he saw.
To the Zebra he demanded, "Who is King of this Jungle?" and
the Zebra replied, "Oh you are, great and powerful Lion."
He stopped the Giraffe next and said, "Listen, You long drink-of-water,
I demand that you tell me - Who is King of this Jungle?"
"Of course, it is you Sire", the Giraffe answered demurely.
Then he bombarded the Gorilla, the Wildebeest and the Tiger
with the same question - and he got all the same answers.
At last he thundered up to the Elephant and said,
"See here Dumbo - Who is King of this Jungle?"
The Elephant let out a loud snort. Then he grabbed the
Lion around the middle with his trunk and he ran down a
whole row of tall trees, banging the Lion's head against every tree.
When he finished with that game, he tossed the Lion in the air a
few times, almost letting him crash before catching him again
and tossing him back into the air. Then the Elephant bashed
the Lion on the ground a few dozen times and finally he
hurled the screaming Lion into the middle of the river.
As the Lion slowly swam toward shore and finally reached the river bank
, he pulled himself onto dry land, shook his head,
turned in the direction of the departing Elephant and said
with what dignity he could still muster - "Just because you don't
know the answer, you don't have to be so mean about it!"

Sewmarm said...

A priest, a rabbi, an imam, and a preacher walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, a joke?"

Rachel Shifra Tal said...

SO a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "do you have any crackers?" The bar tender yells at the duck "get out we don't serve ducks!" The duck leaves a little shaken up, then comes back later that day. Do you have an crackers he asks. "No"! screams the bartender "get out we don't serve ducks!" Finnally the next day the bartender was ready, the duck walked in and before he could say a word the bartender got up in his face and yelled, "listen duck! If you ask me one more time for crackers I am going to nail your beak to the bar!" The duck left very shaken up but returned the next day. The duck asked, "got any nails?"

Aunt Laya said...

This one got me to laugh out loud... a little too close to home maybe? Ha ha...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


From: http://www.ajokeaday.com

Kim Wanamaker said...

I am terrible at remembering jokes but love to laugh. Thanks for the giggles on a Tuesday morning!

Heather O said...

I love the eggs one! That is priceless!

RevAnne said...

Oh, MY! I love the eggs one, too! What a hoot! Thanks for the wonderful laugh, Laya. :))) Still laughing...

RevAnne said...

What an absolute hoot the egg joke was, Laya! Thanks for the laugh ... I'm still laughing... :)))))

Allison said...

Thank for the laughs, I followed your link from Deanna's FB.